A letter to my personal trainer alter ego from my inner fat kid

I have been battling my little demons for the past several weeks; having ridiculous and self defeating conversations in my head, hashing through everything over and over again.  Avoiding mirrors, not feeling good in my clothes let alone my skin, not wanting to be at the gym, sabotaging my efforts to get back in the saddle.  I was home for a few weeks; I had mentally prepared for a few weeks of being out of my workout routine and made good on my commitment to myself and to my personal trainer about being sensible about food choices most of the time and having a few guilt free holiday indulgences.  I did not plan for a random shoulder injury and a few more weeks out of the gym when I got back here while I rehabbed, and I lost it a bit.  Food cravings creeping back in out of nowhere; week night sneaky drinks; cheat weekends instead of cheat meals.  A couple of kilos -- and no, not muscle gain; not gaining brain weight from added wisdom -- a percentage or three more body fat.  In the grand scheme of things no tsunami or war or sudden loss of a loved one I keep reminding myself but in my personal and private little hell it has been frustrating and devastating.

I usually have a darn tooting good attitude about myself as a personal trainer -- my clients see me go up and down and know that I'm human, and know that I understrand their struggle because from my personal experience I know how hard it is.  Been there, done that, bought the x-large t-shirt, worked hard and figured out what worked for me, traded it in for a med t-shirt, now take my hand, I can help you do the same.  In fact I have had many referrals through the gym from people asking after 'the not skinny trainer' -- and I have had good giggles with another trainer whom I work with who is a champion figure sculpter, we know our physiques attract clients to our business for very different reasons.  But when I am in a negative headspace, when my inner fat kid waddles to the surface of my conscious mind it all stops being funny.  Before I was a personal trainer I could go to the gym and throw around the weights to escape; put on my grumpy training face and my invisibility cloak and workout in the anonymous comfort of my little world.  As a trainer I can't be invisible; I can't even be grumpy.  And when I am indulging my inner fat kid I don't want to work out, feel like everyone is watching me and judging me, feel hypocritical working with my weight loss clients, see myself through the fat kid's warping mirrors and round and round we go on the merry-go-round of self destruction -- weeeeeeee.

I have finally backed my inner fat kid into a corner and am feeling considerably better;  life is back in perspective, I am eating well and training again -- heck I can even get through my affirmations and gratitudes without argument or interruption from that nasty fat kid in my head.  But DF said I should publish this because people will relate, and HH said I should finish writing it to help me get it out of my system -- both are wise women, both have battled themselves on many an occasion, and both will have to accept my edited version because some of the things that my inner fat kid was saying don't deserve to be published.

Fat Kid - Hey PT Lisa, can I talk to you, I'm having a rough time over here
PT Lisa - Oh no, not you again.  Hey don't you have a personal trainer?  Can't you talk to Chris about this?
Fat Kid - Yeah but I can't talk to him -- I'm too embarrassed; I'm sure he's already seen me all fat again and is already disappointed, and he'll just say let's get back into it and I can't train with him until I'm already back into it and I don't want to let him down...
PT Lisa - Hmmmm -- as I recall Chris is always supportive and amazing when you talk to him.  Can't you talk to Alexander?  I'm sure I heard him call you beautiful today, he'll make you feel better?
Fat Kid - He's just saying that to make me feel better and anyway I tried -- but I'm just making him crazy and besides he doesn't understand, he just has to look at a gym and he is perfect.  It's easy for him.
PT Lisa - Wow.  Not even Alexander eh?  I guess I can go through this with you for the millionth time.  Sighs.  Hang on a minute -- I'm going to need a strong coffee before I deal with you
Fat Kid - Skip the coffee -- let's go for beer or ice cream -- I know a good place.  I'm over this; I'm tired of fighting with myself, I'm tired of falling off the wagon and having to get back on, maybe I'll just give up the gym and the lifestyle and the personal training and open a gourmet ice-creamery
PT Lisa - That's not very helpful now, is it.  It's not really what you want, you are no longer at home when you are the Fat Kid -- it you were you would be happy and wouldn't be harassing me in the middle of the night.  And besides, you know you get sick when you eat ice cream these days.  What do you really want?
Fat Kid - I want to get to a point where a few weeks doesn't matter this much, where I don't fall off this badly and do this much damage, where the years of work don't get chucked in the bin by a few weeks of being off of my game.  I want it to be easy.
PT Lisa - You know it is simple, but will never be easy.  It will always come down to daily habits, daily choices, food and lifestyle.  It will always be a fight, a balancing act between lifestyle and indulgence, and sometimes indulgence will literally tip the scales and you will have to get the balance back.  It would be easier if you could keep your attitude in check...
Fat Kid - Hey! There's nothing wrong with my attitude! It's just not fair, that's all.  Why should I have  to 'fight to get the balance back' when other people can just cruise.
PT Lisa - Reality check.  Life's not fair.  And of all the unfair things life can deal, really Fat Kid, really?
Fat Kid - I know.  I know.  Reneg. That was pathetic, even for me.
PT Lisa - You know what will make you feel better?
Fat Kid - Yes. No.  Don't say it.  You are going to tell me to go to the gym or have a salad with flaxseed oil or something
PT Lisa - Wow.  You really are not ready to take this on -- maybe we should do this another time?
Fat Kid - Yeah sure, maybe next week or next month.  But you better give me your credit card cause by then I'll need to buy a closet of fat clothes and a few tubs of ice cream.
PT Lisa - Nothing wrong with your attitude at all -- carry on.  I'm out of here
Fat Kid -  No wait.  Sorry.  I'm listening.  What will make me feel better?
PT Lisa - Other than a workout and a salad with flaxseed oil?
Fat Kid - Ha ha!
PT Lisa - Get out of your head; give yourself a break from you for a few minutes or even a few days.  Do things that make you happy, relax, walk on the beach, laugh, have fun, lay off.  Stop being so nasty to yourself, be kind, be where you are, clear your head, and decide where you are going, gear yourself up and as HH said get the motivation and the headspace and the goal back in line.    Get back on the wagon.  And for heaven's sake stop busting Alexander's balls, and call Chris and ask for help.  Work on your affirmations, work on your headspace and the rest of you will follow.    
Fat Kid - (getting teary)
PT Lisa - But first crank this song, dance around like a lunatic, and for heaven's sake smile! (This is for all the bum chums and sisters out there)


"Don't write a check with your mouth that you can't cash with your ass"
Wise man from 'Sucker Punch'


More about Conducting "Enable Me"

I know that my role in the "Enable Me" project is personal trainer / exercise lady.  However, I have been switching hats a lot lately -- mid session and discreetly taking my personal trainer hat off and slipping my conductor hat back on, barely stopping to notice how comfortable it feels, but noticing the change in my tone, the way sets and repetitions of exercises give way to rhythmically intended tasks, the subtle stylistic changes in the way the session is delivered.  The people I work with in this project are in their eighties -- if they notice the hat change they don't react though they certainly respond.  Whether what I am doing would look and sound normal in a CE group but seem a bit odd in the gym is irrelevant to these people for whom the concept of a personal trainer is as foreign as that of a conductor.

Don't get me wrong -- I am passionate about how valuable exercise is for people of all ages and abilities and firmly believe that exercise helps people stay strong and healthy and can actually intervene with what is often presumed to be an inevitable part of the ageing process.  But there are times when what is needed and what is more appropriate in a given moment or over a few weeks of working with a particular person is Conductive Education -- the learning, the structured approach to problem solving, the way of breaking complex movements into manageable segments, practicing them, and stringing them back together as fluent, purposeful movement, the use of speech and rhythm and intention and motivation as facilitation -- in other words the unique tricks specific to the conductive trade.

Mr LH's file says that he has had a frozen shoulder, has had a few falls, and has mild cognitive decline.  In reality Mr LH's movement and cognition is characteristic of something in the Parkinson's plus family of conditions -- I of course wouldn't try to guess or diagnose, that is certainly not my role, but I am pleased that the case manager and physiotherapist accept my experience based hunch that there is something neuro-motoric going on and have written a letter that Mr LH can take to his GP recommending further investigation.  I am even more pleased that Mr LH has spontaneously started rhythmically saying tasks and counting with me (it is often hard for me to get people to count and say tasks in individual sessions, especially if they have not experienced the power of rhythmical intention in a CE group); I am even more pleased that when he counts he can walk and swing his arms and get up from a chair and coordinate complex movements.  I hope -- as I often do about my 'hunches' -- that I am wrong and that there is no neuro-motor disorder creeping in.  Without my training and experience as a conductor I would have no entry point for working with Mr LH -- I wouldn't know where to start.

Mr GL had a major stroke 15 years ago -- at the time he was fit and healthy and his stroke baffled his medical team and shocked Mr GL and his family.  The 'Enable Me' case manager wasn't sure if this was something a personal trainer should be involved in and called to chat with me about how frail Mr GL was and about his increased risk of falls.  I reminded her that I had many years of experience working with people after strokes in my previous life as a conductor.  Today Mr GL and I had our first session -- within minutes it felt like we had been working together for years.  I knew right away which tasks would work and what tricks to start him with, where to put my hands, where to push him, what it must have felt like for him to have his posture and symmetry and weight bearing corrected after 16 years.  I saw his eyes light up when he conquered a task that moments ago had seemed impossible -- a few moments and a little conductive magic make a big difference when those moments are spent practicing and learning to apply nifty little CE tricks.

There have been a lot of people in the 'Enable Me' program that have been deemed too frail for personal training and who have instead received physiotherapy only instead of a combined approach -- there are a lot of people in the 'Enable Me' program that I would have been able to help if I had been given the chance to work with them.  I got the contract with the 'Enable Me' program because of my work as a Conductor -- somebody whom I used to work with at the local cerebral palsy centre referred me and people involved with the program saw me working at the gym with people in wheelchairs.  But I am contracted as a personal trainer, and what I bring to the table as a conductor is not fully understood or recognized, and therefore opportunities to help people as a conductor have been missed.  At this point I do not believe that Conductive Education will even get a mention when the reports about the 'Enable Me' project are written up.  I hope I can correct this but I am just not certain it will happen.   I wish that when the contract was negotiated I had had the guts to stand up for Conductive Education instead of just being glad for the opportunity to take part.

Over and over and over again I hear people relate the advice they have been given by well meaning professionals -- 'you have CP / MS / PD / stroke / old age / whatever, there is nothing that can be done, accept it'.  That is just not how we think in Conductive Education -- because I am a conductor I have a place to start and a unique bag of tricks and conductive magic, but more importantly I have a conductive attitude that makes me believe that there is always something that can be done, something that can be learned,  that it is worth trying, so I do start, and start again, and try something new if one thing doesn't work.  I'd like to think that I am the same when I am wearing my personal training hat -- and I know that if I am it is because that conductive attitude is so much a part of me now, or because no matter what role I'm in, I'm always wearing my conductor hat.

http://195.122.253.112/public/mp3/Beatles/14%20Let%20It%20Be/The%20Beatles%20-%20Let%20It%20Be%20-%2010%20The%20Long%20And%20Winding%20Road.mp3

Free to be me

This morning I sat in the sunshine after my yoga class, and thoroughly enjoyed my still warm cinnamon and raspberry muffin and even warmer hot chocolate.  This in itself is an achievement.  More often than not, for me the enjoyment of such a moment is negated by feeling guilty about eating something I probably shouldn't be eating, or by biting in and realizing that indulging in a fleeting craving is so completely out of line with what I want for myself that I'm put off of eating it, or by analyzing the macronutrient contents and calculating what that indulgence will do to my bottom line which for me literally is my bottom.  For the most part this is actually a good thing for me -- the guilt and the mental and psychological drama are seldom worth the muffin, and knowing this helps me make better minute by minute and meal by meal choices.  Don't get me wrong -- I love food.  I really really love food.  I have a great relationship with food -- a much better relationship than when I ate whatever whenever, and I am much happier and healthier as a result of learning to make better choices.  As a personal trainer I always tell weight loss clients to look for balanced eating that is sustainable forever, with occasional guilt free 'cheat meals' and indulgences.  As a real person who always has and always will struggle with my weight and with the headspace that comes with struggling with your weight over years, I appreciate that even when the eating is right, until the headspace is right the struggle with weight is one waged mentally and heavily worn psychologically, regardless of what is happening physically and aesthetically.  For me, eating well comes fairly easily now; the headspace, however, takes a lot more effort.  That is why it was an achievement to simply sit in the sunshine and enjoy my still warm cinnamon and raspberry muffin and even warmer hot chocolate.

The muffin and the hot chocolate weren't actually part of my plan for this morning -- the plan was to powerwalk to yoga, have a quick and suitable protein snack after yoga and then head up to the gym for a  huge workout to make up for one that I had missed earlier this week.  But the sun was shining, and on the walk in I'd stopped to look out over the horizon where a bunch of surfers were gathered -- I expected to see ocean and I got to see a whale, which is clearly a good excuse for being a few minutes late for yoga.

And the yoga teacher, FF, is wonderful.  He is Italian; his voice is calming, gentle, and reassuring even though he speaks quickly and passionately.  He uses phrases like 'big time, big time' when leading the yoga which makes me laugh and relax.  I love hearing him call the yoga poses by their Sanskrit names through his Italian accent -- it helps me bring my mind back to what I'm doing.  He knows me well enough to be laugh at me (just a little) when my ego clashes with my body and my breathing and I fall over in a tangled heap.  He encourages the class to listen to their body and mind and makes the yoga work for us as individuals.

When FF is teaching I don't feel like a yoga failure because I haven't worked out the whole meditation thing.  Instead of feeling stressed out about not being able to meditate and getting impatient and twitchy and wishing that the class could be over or sneaking out -- I spend a few minutes with a gratitude practice.  I have been trying to make a habit of thinking through what I'm grateful for for a long while -- it is crazy that this is something that I have to try to do when there is so much to be grateful for.  I have to admit that often it is almost a chore; brush your teeth, crawl into bed, try to concentrate on gratitudes before nodding off.  After a yoga class, they just seem to flow.  I am always amazed at how many grateful thoughts pop into my mind in such a short time -- getting to talk to my dad on his 66th birthday when we feared he wouldn't see is 60th, a phone call yesterday from my oldest and dearest friend, waking up early for breakfast and coffee with AR, falling asleep talking about our upcoming holiday, getting paid to do work that I love in my business which is flourishing, a whale seen while walking this morning, a sunny day -- all in a matter of a few breaths.

I love the feeling of being all sweaty, stretched out, and bathed in gratitude.  I leave the studio -- the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I feel happy -- and as I'm walking towards the gym I smell these muffins, fresh out of the oven.  The moment was right and I was in the moment.  The headspace was right -- and I knew that I could indulge and enjoy guilt and drama free.  So, this morning after my yoga class, I sat in the sunshine and thoroughly enjoyed my still warm cinnamon and raspberry muffin and even warmer hot chocolate.

"The truth is, I do indulge myself a little the more in pleasure, knowing that this is the proper age of my life to do it; and, out of my observation that most men do thrive in the world do forget to take pleasure during the time that they are getting their estate, but reserve that til they have got one, and then it is too late for them to enjoy it"
-- Samuel Pepys        

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_26FOHoaC78

References:

Gombinsky, L. (2009).  "The Physical Me" in  Just Do It! Young Conductors in their new world.  Ed. A. Sutton and G Maguire. Birmingham, UK: Conductive Education Press. pp.11-17.